9th April 2011

Mum and I had a fight today, not the kind where people slam doors and storm out of the house but the kind that just sits there in the kitchen and will not go away like a bad smell that you cannot find the source of - it was about university. Mum wants me to study something that will get me a job, like business or economics something that has a job at the end of it like a car with a trailer attached to it. Something that will lead to a desk job and a salary and a life where I do not have to worry about money all the time like my mum has had to worry about money.  She will not say that out loud. I want to study something that will let me keep learning, like English or maybe a combined degree something that will let me ask lots of questions of just finding one answer right away. I want to figure out who I am before I decide what I want to do. She said, "You can ask questions for the rest of your life, Alex but at some point you need to be able to pay your rent while you are asking them."

Which is a point. It is annoyingly fair. That is the thing about my mum she is not wrong she is just very practical in a way that makes you feel like dreaming big is a luxury that we cannot afford. My mum grew up with little she does not talk about it much, but it is always there underneath everything like a low sound in a song that changes the whole mood even if most people do not notice it. When my mum says "practical" she means "safe" when she says "applicable" she means "I do not want you to feel stuck like I once felt stuck". But she does not say those things she just talks about rent and university. Getting a job like university and jobs are the only things that matter like my mum and I are just talking about university but we are really talking about something much bigger like our whole lives and what we want to do with them like what kind of person I want to be and what kind of life I want to have and my mum wants me to have a safe life, a life with a steady job and a salary and a place to live but I want more, than that I want a life that is meaningful a life that is mine..

I said something about not wanting to pick a box before I know what shape I am. She said something about boxes keeping the rain out. Then we both went quiet in that particular way that means neither of us is backing down but neither of us is sure we're right, nor the kitchen got very loud with the sound of a kettle being filled more aggressively than necessary.

We had tea. That is what we always do in our family. When we argue we boil some water. Sit down with a cup of tea that is too hot to hold. We just sit there. Let the silence do its job because sometimes words are not enough. We did not fix anything. We just sat there. After a while Mum said, "I do not want you to struggle." Her voice got softer at the end because she was trying not to show me that this is about love not, about making plans. I could have said, "I know that Mum." I should have said it.. I said, "I will be fine Mum," which is something that is true but does not really help.

I think some problems are not meant to be solved. We just have to get through them. You have to sit with the feeling drink your tea and let the argument calm down. Then you can keep going, a little different because of what happened a little more aware of what the other person's going through. Mum does not know that she taught me this. She did teach me that tea is a part of our family’s way of dealing with things. We have tea when we argue and it helps us get through the times. Mum and I we had tea. It was what we needed. Every argument we've ever had has ended with a kettle, never with a winner. And I think that's actually a philosophy of life disguised as a beverage habit.

Dad came home while we were still sitting there and said, "Who died?" because he reads rooms the way some people read instruction manuals, badly and with too much confidence. Mum said, "Nobody. We're discussing Alex's future." He said "Ah". Then he made himself a sandwich. This was really the helpful thing that my dad did all evening. My dad has a way of not making things worse. This does not sound like a deal until you meet people who always make things worse. Then you think it is an ability.

I am going to apply for degrees. I want to do lots of things. My mum will be worried. I will be worried too. I will worry about different things. My mum and I will talk about it. Drink tea. The kitchen has seen a lot of arguments. It is like the kitchen absorbs them. Week everything will be okay. That is how we do things. We do not really fix problems. We just move on.. We survive them, and the surviving is the fixing. I actually think that's the most important thing anyone could learn that not everything needs resolving. Some things just need company. A mug, a table, someone sitting across from you who disagrees but isn't going anywhere. That's enough, that's more than enough. The kitchen smells like arguments and Earl Grey and whatever Dad put in that sandwich, honestly I think this might be the most important room in the world.